Understanding When Your Child's Anger Becomes Aggression

Sometimes, family life can feel overwhelming—especially when a young person begins showing behaviour that feels scary or unpredictable. At Incredibly Elev8ed CIC, we understand how hard it can be to know what’s normal and what might be something more serious.

What you’re experiencing may be known as Child to Parent Violence and Abuse (CPVA)—sometimes also called Adolescent to Parent Violence. This is when a child or teenager uses behaviour to control, intimidate or frighten their parents or carers.

While there is no legal definition in the UK, it is increasingly recognised as a form of domestic abuse. And while it can feel deeply isolating, you are not alone—and support is available.

💔 When Things Feel Out of Control

“My son had a full meltdown over homework. He tried to smash his room up. My other children were terrified. I have bruises, a broken light fitting, and a hole in his bedroom door. It feels like we’re all being punished—and I’m scared of what will happen if I ask for help.”— Parent of 13-year-old

We’ve spoken to many families who delay seeking support because they feel ashamed or fear being judged. Some worry about what will happen to their child. These are natural fears—but asking for help is a courageous and loving act.

Living with this behaviour affects the whole household. It creates tension, dread, and emotional exhaustion. You might feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

❤️ Why Is My Child Acting Like This?

When a child or teen lashes out, it’s often a sign that something else is going on inside. They may not have the words—or the tools—to express what they’re feeling.

Sometimes the behaviour comes out of nowhere. Other times, it builds slowly over time. Either way, it’s worth reflecting on when it started, and what might have triggered it.

Some common underlying issues we hear about include:

• Anxiety, depression or other mental health struggles

• Family stress, changes or breakdown

• Peer pressure, bullying or friendship problems

• Substance use

• Feeling unheard or overwhelmed

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No child wants to behave in a way that hurts the people they love. But without support, they may not know another way.

🌱 Ways to Support Yourself and Your Teen

💬 Talk about the behaviour—not the child

• You can love your teen and still feel upset or hurt by what’s happened. Try gentle phrases like:

• “When you shouted at me earlier, I felt really hurt. What I’d like is for us to talk when we’ve both calmed down.”

🧍‍♀️ Keep your own wellbeing in mind

• Looking after yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential. If you’re worn out or overwhelmed, it’s much harder to respond calmly or clearly.

  
  

🧘 Pick your moments

• Not everything needs to be tackled at once. Focus on what’s urgent, and come back to smaller issues later when everyone is calmer.

  
  

😔 Try not to take it personally

• This behaviour often comes from pain, fear or frustration. Understanding that doesn’t excuse it—but it can help you respond with compassion, not just anger.

  
  

❤️ Separate love from limits

• Let your child know you’re still there for them—but certain behaviours are not OK. It’s possible to be loving and firm at the same time.

  
  

🗣️ Change how you speak about it

• We recommend using “3-part statements” that help keep the conversation calm:

• “When you... I felt... What I’d like is…”

• Consistency really does make a difference.

  
  

👀 Don’t ignore what’s happening

• It’s tempting to hope things will just settle down, but without support, the patterns often get worse. Your child may need help learning how to cope in safer ways.

  
  

🏠 Keep your family safe

• If you notice the signs of escalation, have a plan. Move to a safer room, create space between people if needed—and if you’re ever in danger, don’t hesitate to call the police. Their role is to keep everyone safe, including your child.

  We know a lot of parents would rather not do this- but remember this is not about criminalising your child - its about safety and support.

  
  

🌟 Notice the good moments

• Try to find small opportunities to praise positive behaviour. This helps rebuild connection and shows your teen they are more than just their mistakes.

  
  

🤔 Check in with yourself

• Sometimes, without realising it, we may respond in ways that escalate things—especially when we’re exhausted or emotional. Take a breath. Walk away if needed. Come back to it later.

  
  

🤗 Let them know you see their struggle

• “You seem really upset. What do you need right now?”“I’ll come back when we’re both calm and we’ll talk.”

• Touch, eye contact, or a calm tone can help soften the moment.

  
  

🧠 Try to understand the ‘why’

• Stress at school, bullying, mental health worries—these aren’t excuses, but they might be part of the reason your child is lashing out. Try to listen, without judging or jumping in with advice straight away.

  
  

🛠️ Help them find better ways to cope

• Once the storm has passed, sit down and gently explore what might help them next time. Could they go for a walk? Do some breathing? Write something down? This might take time, but it’s worth exploring together.

  
  

⏳ Give them space

• When emotions are running high, it’s often best to pause and come back later. A calm moment is usually a better time to talk.

  
  

🚫 Avoid reacting with aggression

• If we shout, hit or slam doors, we’re showing our children that aggression is a normal way to respond. It isn’t. Staying calm is a powerful message—even when it’s hard.

  
  

🤝 Reach out for support

• You do not have to handle this alone. At Incredibly Elev8ed CIC, we offer compassionate, confidential help tailored to your family’s needs. Whether you need advice, a plan, or just someone to listen—we’re here.

  
  

• Local support

  It might be difficult for them to realise they have an issue and accept help. You could ask their school or college to support them so it might be worth involving the head of year or college wellbeing advisor. Make an appointment with your GP and try to get a referral to your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) as they will be able to give your child counselling or therapy to help them manage their feelings. Waiting times and referral procedures can vary. You could also ask your GP to make a referral to family therapy so everyone is able to work through this together.

  
  

📊 Understanding the Bigger Picture

It’s important to know that what you're going through is part of a wider issue. You're not alone, and you're not imagining it.

• In 2016, reports of violence by children towards parents almost doubled from 2012 (920 to 1,801).

• In 2015–16, over 10,000 incidents were recorded across England and Wales.

• From 2015 to 2018, incidents in 19 areas rose from 7,224 to 14,133.

• During the COVID-19 lockdowns, a University of Oxford study found 70% of families experienced an increase in violent outbursts.

• Professionals in the field also reported a rise in referrals and intensity of violence.

These numbers reflect only the cases we know about. Many families suffer in silence.

🧭 Moving Forward with Compassion

• You’re not failing. You’re not alone. And you’re not stuck. With the right support, families can rebuild trust, create calmer homes, and help young people find better ways to cope.

• If you're reading this and recognising your own situation, please don’t wait for things to get worse. We're here, we understand, and we want to help.

Other organisations that may be useful:

• PEGS provides support to parents who are experiencing violence from your child or teenager

• Encourage your teen to speak to the team at The Mix who provide support to young people on any challenge they are facing

• Young Minds who can give your teeen some much needed emotional support if they are struggiing with their feelings

• You can get in touch with the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247